Bound by Tension

CASSANDRA'S POV

Lauren is the queen of cryptic messages, as usual. Only this time, she has me wandering around the hospital at the middle of the night. As the elevator dings, indicating that I've arrived on the fifth floor, and opens up, I step out into the hallway, crossing my arms across my chest.

I'm all bundled up with my heeled booties, coat, and thick Burberry scarf wrapped around my neck. It's the middle of winter here in New York, and I'm bundled up as always. My gloves are stuffed into my pockets, and since I didn't bring a bag, my phone and wallet are jabbed into the pockets as well.

My heels click against the linoleum floors, and I can't help but think how creepy I must sound to whomever hears me coming. It's almost eleven pm and I'm sure that no one is expecting visitors, except my crazy sister-in-law who asked me to meet her here. I push through the double doors, heading towards her office in the labor and delivery ward, but as soon as I step into the hallway, I freeze at the silhouette at the other end of the hall.

Even from behind, I can make him out. His stance is so up-right, you'd think that it's almost uncomfortable to stand up so straight. I can tell his hair is slightly disheveled from here, maybe from running his fingers through it like he always does. He's leaning forward, his arms stretched out as his hands grip a bar, and I can tell that he's thinking hard with the way his foot is silently tapping the floor.

"What? Did she ask you to come here too?" I call out softly, but still startling myself with how my own voice echoes softly though the hallway. He spins around, smiling at me softly, holding his hand out as a gesture for me to come to him.

As I near him, I make out the faint wrinkles near his eyes, and the stubble that's grown on his face. Even after these years, he's still as handsome as ever. At 33, he still gets requests from magazines for cover shoots and special editions, and even articles in regards to his company, and ours, all of which he politely declines.

"Not exactly. Come here, baby," his voice sends chills down my spine. Years together and this man still gets me weak as hell. I'm a bit concerned, because after five years of marriage, you come to really know a person, and I can totally read Asa, and I know something has got to be going on if he's here on a mission of some sorts.

"Is everything okay? Where's Aislin?" I frown, stiffening as I near him slowly. I suddenly can't bare the thought of why he must be here, or why the hell I've been asked to come here.

"She's at my mom's with Andrew. Everything's fine, Cas. Everyone is okay. Just come here," Asa leans back against the bar, smoothing out his gray slacks as he wiggles his fingers, wanting me to take his hand.

"Okay," Hesitantly, I step over to him and put my hand into his, feeling the cool metal of his wedding band against my warm skin. "This is weird as hell, Asa. Why are we here? I feel like this should be part of Grey's Anatomy or something, and I don't really know how I feel about that."

Hospitals still make me feel weird. It's so odd how so many happy and sad things can happen in a hospital — it's a place where babies are born, and lives are saved, but also where people happen to die and find out live changing news.

Asa let's out a hearty laugh, pulling me into his arms. They come around me, tugging my against him by the waist and straight into his chest. I inhale the scent of him — a mixture of his cologne and body wash that I've familiarized myself with.

"Can't a man ask his wife to meet him somewhere? I thought it would be romantic..." he trails off, and I can tell that he's kidding, but I'm also so confused as to why the hell I'm here.

"Hmm," I grab the collar of his blue button down playfully, shaking my head at him. "Maybe if the said man had texted his wife himself, it would've been romantic, sure. But having his sister-in-law send an SOS for a secret rendezvous meeting and crashing it? I don't know about that one."

"Yeah," Asa smiles down at me, pressing his lips to my forehead softly. "But my said wife tends to get carried away and probably would have had three panic attacks and a stroke if I asked her to meet me at the hospital."

"Yeah," I sigh, knowing he's very much right about that. "So then why are you asking me to meet you in the hospital in the middle of the night?" I raise my eyebrow at him, peering up at his handsome face with my serious mom look.

Asa sighs softly, a look that I can't read flashing across his face. Is it admiration or wonder? I'm not sure. It's kind of terrifying me, because this whole situation has me on edge, not to mention that I'm always a bit anxious and antsy.

"What is it?"

A moment of silence passes between us, him peering down at me as I stare up into his beautiful eyes. The same eyes that our daughter - our sweet little girl who is almost five happened to inherit from him. Asa's hands slide up from my waist to grab my hands, and then trail up my arms, to my shoulders, before slowly grabbing my face gently.

"I don't know how to talk about this without saying something that might make you think all the wrong things, so I'm just going to say it, okay? Just bare with me baby, I promise you, it's all going to make sense. Can you just give me a few minutes?"

"I..." My mouth opens slightly as my eyebrows twitch from confusion, but I slowly nod. "Yeah. Okay..."

I trust this man with my whole heart. My whole life. Our sweet little girl. Whatever this is, I know that it must be important. And I know that I can trust him to be honest, and somehow walk out of this okay.

"I've been here all day today. I didn't plan on it, but... I like coming here sometimes. To think," Asa's thumb brushes my cheek as he looks past my face for a second, causing me to glance beside us. "They remind me so much of Aislin when she was born."

As my own eyes flicker through the glass window that I hadn't noticed before, I take into account the tiny little humans in the room behind the glass that I didn't even take into account when I got here.

"I remember we kept her in the room with us because we thought she might get switched at birth or something," Asa let's out a small chuckle, shaking his head slightly. I can recall that conversation too, and it certainly wasn't because of that we didn't send her to the nursery, but most definitely because Asa couldn't put her down for even a moment whenever I was asleep. She stayed in his arms for the most part when she was born, simply because he was so in love with his daughter.

"That's really besides the point. I just love to see them. So sweet. So innocent," he turns me slightly, wrapping his arms around me from behind as he places his chin down on my shoulder, pressing my back against his front. "And they keep me thinking about our baby."

I feel a pang of anxiety hit my chest and I jerk in his arms slightly, clenching my jaw. He's referring to a theoretical baby that we talk about. A theoretical baby that we've been talking about for two and a half years now. Actually - we've been talking about having another baby for longer than that, but didn't officially start trying for one until our honeymoon.

"Asa.." I manage, shaking my head. I'm not really sure where he's trying to get with this conversation, but I don't think I can have this conversation with him right here. It's a subject matter that we've talked about to no means of solution at this point, and I thought we had gotten past it.

"Wait. Just let me finish, Cas."

"No. Have you changed your mind?" I choke out, shaking my head, still wrapped tightly in his arms. We aren't going anywhere with this stupid conversation again. We will just end up at the same stupid solution, and be back exactly where we started but with a ton of back and forth and tears.

"No, you know I won't agree to that. We made a promise. Nothing that puts you at risk," he whispers in my ear, kissing my hair softly a few times. I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes. I can't keep looking at these adorable babies while talking about this. They'll definitely bring me to tears.

We've been trying to get pregnant for the last two and a half years, and it just hasn't happened. We tried IUI after a year, and failed a few times, and then moved to considering IVF, but after a lot of back and forth, we both aren't agreeing on it exactly. Asa is strictly against it at the moment because he thinks we just aren't ready for that step yet. As much as I hate to agree, I don't know if we are either. Mentally and emotionally, I don't know if I can honestly say that I'm ready for everything that comes with IVF, but it's hard to not consider it when all I want is another baby. I know it's stupid, but being a mom is the one thing that makes me happier than anything else. Of course we have Aislin, but I want nothing more than to be able to give her a little brother or sister, and it's so fucking heartbreaking that I haven't been able to. It's even worse that there's nothing actually wrong with me - I'm perfectly capable of getting pregnant and carrying another baby according to the doctors, and Asa's quite the opposite from shooting blanks.

"It kills me, Cas. It kills me that you're willing to put yourself at risk to have another baby...that you've stopped talking about this because it hurts you to talk about it with me. I see the pregnancy tests that you hide in the bottom of the trash bin. I hear you crying in the guest bathroom at night when you've taken them," Asa whispers softly, and the tears flood into my eyes before I can stop them.

I love him so much that it hurts. This hurts so bad. I never thought that anything could hurt me again, but this has definitely been hurting me. But he's right. I haven't been able to look at him and tell them that the tests have been negative, and that I'm not pregnant once again. Not because I don't trust him or because he can't comfort me, because he always says the right things, but because I just can't bring myself to handle the same conversations over and over again.

"I want to give you a baby so badly, Cassandra, that I almost came home with one tonight."

My heart plummets to the pit of my stomach and it feels like it's sinking and that feeling is never-ending. I turn my head to look up at him as the tears escape, rolling down my cheeks. I'm so taken back that even when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out.

"W-what?" I manage, shaking my head. I don't even understand his words now? Maybe I'm not hearing him correctly. What does that even mean?

Asa smiles down at me, and I can see the exhaustion on his face so evidently. He said he's been here all day? I can see that. He's probably only running off of his morning coffee and his breakfast of eggs and toast. Oh god, what kind of wife am I? My heart aches for this man. This man who has made me so happy, but is also hurting. I just haven't been able to see it.

Asa grabs my hands, bringing them to his lips and pressing small kisses on my knuckles as he pulls me back against him, wrapping an arm around me as he pulls me into his chest. My cheek presses against his muscular chest as he brings us up against the glass.

"You see that baby girl right there?" He points into the room at a baby in a bassinet. "She was born this morning at 6:03. Six pounds, two ounces. Her mother passed away in a hit-and-run accident, and has no family. She was actually supposed to be adopted, but because she was born via emergency c-section and needed a surgery for an appendectomy, the adoptive family backed out and the adoption fell through." My heart sinks further, and I find myself sucking in my breath, but I'm unsure if I've even been breathing this entire time. My hands grip onto Asa, because I'm sure that if he's not holding me up right now, I would be on my ass on the floor, unable to handle the feelings that are overwhelming me right now. I peak through the window, focusing in on the little basket that he's referring to.

She's right there. Fast asleep. A sweet little girl wrapped in a baby blanket identical to the one that Aislin was wrapped in. She has a little pink hat with a bow on it. She's got rosy cheeks, some dark hair peaking out from the edge of the cap, and I can just imagine her sweet baby smell. I can also imagine the ten little toes hidden in the blanket that match the ten little fingers that are balled up in two fists. Asa is right about one thing. She's sweet. She's so innocent. I can't even begin to imagine why the adoption would have fallen through, because I would have gladly taken all six pounds and two ounces of her home with me. It pains me, because she has no one, and to be so small and alone, and not even know it? Oh god.

"I wanted to go in there and hold her, but I couldn't bring myself to go in there. So I just stayed out here and watched her. They took her to surgery, and I waited, and they brought her back, and I watched, and you know I couldn't understand why," he pauses for a minute, before continuing. "I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to hold her, but then I thought about when Aislin was born. And I thought about the happiest moment in my entire life, and that was when you held her. You were the one who held her first, and when I looked down at the two of you, I just...it was such a surreal feeling, Cas. I realized that if I wanted to go in there and hold that baby, that I wouldn't be able to without you. Because if I held her, I would think of the first time I held my daughter, and I would want her to be mine too. But for me to be able to do that, I would need her to be yours too. Ours."

I let go of the sob that I'm holding in, and I'm suddenly crying into Asa's chest, because I know exactly why I'm here now. I can't hold back anymore, so I cry out instead, shaking my head into his chest. I don't even need to think twice before saying it, because I don't have to think about it. He doesn't have to ask me or explain to me any further, and I could care less about anything else right now.noveldrama

"I want to hold her."

"We don't have to, I know it's asking you of a lot. I know we haven't talked about it. I just...I had to call you," I'm listening to him ramble as I turn my head to look back through the window, staring at the sweet baby girl. Can this even be real? Could that be our baby? "And I want to keep trying for a baby, of course, I just... I couldn't leave here without even-"

"Asa. Please. I want to hold her," I look up at him, grabbing his hands in my own and squeezing them. "What do we have to do? I'm sure there's all these rules and things and I just...oh god," I whisper, turning my head away from him slowly as my eyes flicker between his own and the little bassinet that's in the nursery.

We don't need to have this conversation because I want this baby as bad as he does. He could have shown up at the door with her and I would have one hundred percent been on board. How could someone not want her? She looks perfect. She is perfect. Of course she is, she's our daughter. Maybe not yet, but she will be. I want her to be. I would love to be her mother.

Asa kisses my head repeatedly, but I'm preoccupied by staring at our sweet little girl. My hands are shaking in his, and I know that I'm so scared about all of this that I'm trembling, but Asa is here with me, which is what makes it okay. "Lauren was trying to figure out exactly how to move forward for a closed adoption. We can go in there and hold her, and stay the night with her if we want, and if we expedite everything, we can take her home tomorrow. We have some connections with the board here, and I've done a complete run of everything. She's in perfect health, and everything went smoothly with the surgery, and she's going to be in perfectly

okay."

I nod at him, smiling and crying all at once. I didn't expect to feel this way, especially not coming here, because this is definitely the last thing that I expected, but I'm overcome with emotions. I'm so happy, but so sad, and nervous all at once. The fact that she has no other family kills me inside, but also makes me so happy because she's going to be our family now.

"Okay...we don't have anything. We donated all the stuff from Ais, and we..I.." I'm stumbling over my words and thoughts. We're going from trying for a baby to suddenly having another little girl? It's something that we should have had months to prepare for, but now we don't even have seconds to think.

"I know. It's okay. We'll figure it out together, okay? Right now, let me see if I can find a nurse so we can hold her, I think Lauren had already cleared us to be able to do that, and if maybe she and perhaps your brother can get some things together for us while my mom has the kids tonight," Asa holds me tightly, rambling as well. I can tell he's nervous, which is so surprising, because he's always so well put together. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him nervous. "As for all the things, if I have to, I'll call Bezos myself and make sure we have everything at our doorstep tomorrow." "Okay, okay," I can't help but laugh at him through my tears, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "Hurry up and call Lauren, because I want to hold our little girl...This is so insane, Asa."

Asa smiles down at me purely, and I know what he's thinking because I'm thinking the exact same thing. Of course it's insane. Everything about us happens to be insane. We make these spur of a moment decisions all the time. When it came to buying a house, and when we ran down to city hall and got married, and even when we decided to try for another baby. It's always been like that for us, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My freshly washed hands are practically sweating as I squirm in the seat, waiting for the nurse to bring in the baby. I've literally never been so on edge in my entire life, not even when I had gone into labor early with Aislin. Asa's tapping his foot on the tile again, giving away his own nervousness, but neither of us really acknowledge it. Just as I'm about to open my mouth to say something about how Asa would've made a hot doctor as a joke - he's wearing scrubs right now, and I'm oddly loving how he looks in them—there's a soft knock on the door before it opens. My head snaps over to see two nurses come in, one with a clipboard and the other following her in by wheeling in the bassinet. Through the clear bin, I see the baby up close for the first time, and I could practically cry.

"Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Rivers. It seems like everything came back clear. Your background checks, finances, and it seems like the County of New York thinks you'd both make great parents to this little girl," she says, almost joking as she doesn't seem

surprised by this at all. I can't even laugh at her, because I'm way too focused on wanting to hold the baby. "If you're comfortable, we can leave you both here to spend some time with the little one. Unfortunately we won't be able to discharge in the morning as they want to run a couple tests, but we're thinking that if those come back clear as expected, you'll be out of here around noon tomorrow."

I nod at her mindlessly as Asa thanks both of them, more than once. Again, I'm thankful for my husband's keen attention to others and listening, because I for one am not listening again. I just want to hold my freaking baby already.

"Will you both be staying the night? You're more than welcome to use the bed and

couch, and we can actually have you stay the night with her. She hasn't had any skin to skin contact yet, and it would be a great opportunity to be able to do that and some feedings," she continues, and both Asa and I agree. There's no way I'm leaving her here alone. She's already been alone for far too long.

After a few moments longer, both of them hurry out the door, closing it behind them

and leaving us alone with our baby for the first time. Am I able to call her that? Is she officially our baby?

Both of us step closer to the bassinet, peering down at the baby. She's awake, oddly, but completely silent. Although Aislin was a quiet baby, as a newborn, she cried whenever she wasn't held or rocked while swaddled, so this is a little new for us. "I don't know if we should pick her up," I remark, looking up at Asa for some guidance. I can't believe the nurses didn't even suggest where to start, but I guess they didn't really tell us anything when Aislin was born either. I learned the hard way when to pump and feed, and that I could dress and undress my baby as I pleased.

"I think you should first. You heard them, she's probably never even been held like that before," he whispers, brushing a thumb against the baby's cheek. My heart explodes as

I watch the way he admires her. He's the absolute best daddy, and he will be to her

also.

"Okay," I whisper back, realizing that we're doing that thing that parents do when babies are quiet. We're trying not to disturb her, even though she probably doesn't care. My hands shake as I gently tuck my hand under her head, and with a little help

from Asa, I'm able to scoop her up into my arms, supporting her little head and neck to cradle her. "Wow."

My first thoughts are instantly on how much she looks like Aislin. She's got greener eyes, although they're still hazel for the most part. Almost like the color of Zac's eyes. Her dark hair that peaks out from under her cap is dark, almost a black color. She's a little pale with redder cheeks, and I don't know if that's because she's cold or if it's just another baby thing, but it's cute. Pouty little lips that remain parted open, almost like she's wanting a bottle.

I glance down at her, unable to comprehend the feelings I'm experiencing. I'm holding our baby girl. We have another baby, and Aislin has a little sister. Oh gosh, I can't begin to imagine how it's going to feel telling her that she's a big sister. She's been bugging about it since she realized that siblings were a thing and that mommy and daddy could give her one. That, plus the new baby scent, has me in tears. How could a smell make me want to cry? I don't know, but I'm about to.

Asa's so silent that I have to peer up at him, and that's when I notice that he's crying. He's also smiling, and I can't help but let a few tears escape too. We've been wanting this for so long that I didn't even think about how we would feel when it did. "Hold her," I say immediately, stepping forward and into his space. He immediately shakes his head, hesitant on taking her from me. I know he wants me to have my moment, but I already have, and I can't want to see him hold her. "Please. Skin to skin?"

"What?" Asa raises his eyebrows at me slightly, glancing between me and the baby. "Are you sure you don't want to do that first?"

"Yes," I nod, smiling again as I urge him to sit down so he can put her on his chest.

"You did it with Aislin too, and I already got to hold her first. I want to see you with

her."

I'm dying inside. I need to see him hold his daughter. Asa's wanted another baby for

longer than I have, and he'll never say it to me, but I know how long he's been waiting

for this

moment.

Reluctantly, Asa finally gives into me and takes off the scrub top before settling in on one of the reclining seats. It's kind of one of those hospital rocking chairs. Once he's comfortable, I slowly unwrap the blanket off of the baby, and gently hand her over to him. I watch in awe as his hand comes over her head abs gently sweeps down her

back.

"Hopefully she doesn't have a blowout," he remarks, and I roll my eyes as I place the blanket over them, tucking her in against his chest.

"Way to kill the moment, Asa," I mutter, obviously kidding, but seriously? He's going to talk about blowouts right now?

"What? Aislin always had blowouts during skin to skin with me. And only me. It's like she wanted to get shit all over me," he mumbles, his focus on the baby in his arms. The room is silent for a bit. I sit down besides him and watch them. My ovaries are literally exploding at the sight of my shirtless husband holding a tiny baby against him.

Gah, and my heart is literally so full. I can't imagine a moment topping this apart from Aislin meeting her for the first time.

"What should we call her?" Asa asks finally, still whispering as it seems like the baby has fallen fast asleep on his chest. "We talked about hypothetical names we wanted...any ideas?"

I do have a few names picked out for if we had more babies. I wanted to make sure I could call dibs in case Zac or Lauren or anyone else close to me decided they wanted

to have babies of their own - unfortunately, Andrew is still the only other kid in the

family still.

"How about Charlotte? It's cute. I think I read somewhere that it means tiny or something," I say, trying to find a justification for the name. I know I don't need one, but Aislin is named after Asa, and I feel like having some reasoning behind a name is good. "Plus, it starts with a C. That way we're even."

"Hm," Asa chuckles softly, grabbing my hand with the one that isn't rubbing the baby's back. "That's cute. I like it. Charlotte Rivers."

"Charlotte Lauren Rivers," I correct him, placing a soft kiss on his lips. "We wouldn't have her without Laur."

Asa doesn't have to tell me for me to know that Lauren must have pulled every single

string she could to make this happen. There's no way that we could be walking home with Charlotte tomorrow unless it was for Lauren doing everything she could as an attending here. In fact, I'm almost certain it's the only reason that we got vetted so

quickly. Even if there was money involved, no amount of money could just give us a baby overnight.

"She'll never let me live it down, you know. It's all I'll ever hear about for the rest of my life. How I named my daughter after her," he points out, clearly teasing. "Good, as she should," I smirk a little. I can't help it. Lauren and I make a good team when it comes to ganging up on Asa. I love it. She's the best sister-in-law. In fact, I almost always just introduce her as my sister now-a-days. "Someone's got to put you

in your place."

END!