The Art of Starting Over

They lay there with the blanket draped between their legs. Devy rested her head on Hayden’s chest while her fingers rubbed back and forth over his smattering of chest hair. He was only the second man she had ever been with, and she was surprised by how good she felt, by how Hayden had made her feel. Alive and sexy. Wanted and satisfied.

It was her idea to come into the camper, but not something she had planned. It could’ve been the sangria talking or her heart. Either way, she was happy. She wanted to be with him, to explore what a relationship with him could be like.

The only thing holding her back was fear. She was afraid to give him her heart. Not that she expected him to hurt her. It was more her than anything. Chad had really done a number on her, causing her to have trust issues.

Hayden moved onto his side to face her. He twirled the end of her hair around his finger and then kissed her forehead. They hadn’t said much since they’d made love. Mostly nuzzling and touching each other. Words seemed to fail her, and she didn’t want to say something stupid. She didn’t know what to do in this situation. Her first time had been in the back of Chad’s car, and then they’d sneaked around until college. Now that she was an adult, she couldn’t help but feel like she was sneaking around again.

In a sense, they were. Neither of them could go to each other’s houses. What would their parents think? Their children? Deep down, Devy knew Chad would somehow get Maren to spill. Devorah didn’t understand the hold he had on her. She wanted it to break. For him to go away and live his life with Ester.

One day.

“As much as I want to stay in this space with you,” Hayden said, combing his fingers through her hair, “and make love to you again, we should get home.”

“But here, we’re free, and it’s quiet.”

He chuckled a bit. “I actually think if my neighbors were outside, they might have heard us.”

Devy’s cheeks burned. “Good thing it’s dark then, and no one will see us doing the walk of shame.”

“There’s zero shame in what we’ve done. I don’t have any regrets.”

“Me neither.” She sat up on her elbows and kissed him. “This was the most exceptional evening. Thank you.”

“Thank you,” he said. “We’ll make plans with the kids for tomorrow. I read in my single-parent handbook that it’s important to include the children in dates.”

“It’s a good thing Maren and Conor are friends.”

“Definitely.”

They got up, dressed, and began walking toward Crow’s, holding hands the entire way. She loved the way her hand fit in his, and also loved how Hayden was taller than her. Chad was her height, and he didn’t like it when she wore heels. Now, if she wanted, she could put a pair on, and she’d still have to look up at Hayden.

When they reached Crow’s porch, Hayden kissed her lightly on the lips and said he’d see her in the morning. Devorah waved to him when she got inside and then watched him walk away. She closed the door, kept her hand on it for a moment, wishing the night didn’t have to end, and then went to find her father.

Crow sat in his recliner, with the news playing on the television.

“How was your night?”

“Maren and I are a formidable team,” he told her. “We beat Lee and Conor at checkers, Monopoly, and some other card game she taught us. We’re taking our show on the road.”

Listening to him describe their night brought tears to her eyes.

“Why are you crying?” he asked as he kicked the recliner closed and stood. “Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head and let the tears fall. “I’m happy you and Maren have bonded. It means the world to me.”

Crow brought Devorah into his arms and hugged her tightly. He continued to hold her until she’d stopped crying.

“I’m trying, Devorah. I know I messed up with you, but Maren’s my second chance. Right now, I’d like to thank that horrible husband of yours for screwing up because I’m the victor in the situation. I have my daughter back and now my granddaughter.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too.” He pulled back a little. “Did you have a good night?”

“I did,” she said as she wiped her tears away. “Hayden took me out to this restaurant on a ship. It goes from port to port, so it’s pretty unique. After dinner, we danced and then we walked around town, remembering how awesome it was to grow up here.”noveldrama

“Really?” His eyebrow popped up. “I recall many times while you were growing up, yelling and screaming about how you hated it here and couldn’t wait to move.”

Devorah shrugged. “That was before I became a mother. Now I love it. Good night, Crow.”

“Good grief, I can’t keep up with you kids and your ever-changing minds,” he mumbled. “Good night, Devorah.”

She went upstairs, sneaked into her daughter’s room, and crawled into bed with her. The slight dip in the bed caused Maren to roll into her mom.

“Mom?”

“Go back to sleep, my sweet girl.”

Maren opened her eyes and looked at her mom. “Did you have a nice dinner?”

“I did. If the boat we ate on is still there in the morning, I’ll take you to see it. Did you have fun with Crow?”

Maren nodded. “Grandpa is a lot of fun.”

Devorah wished she could’ve had this version of her father when she was younger, especially when she was struggling with her mother’s death.

“We went out for ice cream, but I’m not supposed to tell you.”

“That’s okay. Let’s not keep secrets, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“Go back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night, love you.”

“Love you more.”

Devorah kissed Maren and then went into the bathroom to take a shower. While the water ran, she undressed and looked at herself in the mirror. She wasn’t sure if she expected her body to be different or if there would be some remnant of what she and Hayden had done, but she found none except for a bit of beard burn.

She stood under the hot water for what felt like five minutes before she washed her hair and body. Every time she closed her eyes, Hayden was there, moving his body over the top of hers, bringing her to ecstasy. The way he kissed and held her, the way he made her feel when he was inside her, the way he brought her to new heights that she didn’t know existed, all made her feel like she wasn’t broken. That Chad hadn’t destroyed the very essence that made her, her.

Devorah rinsed, shut the water off, and got out. She wrapped herself in a towel and went into her bedroom, dressing in a tank top and shorts. Before she got into bed, she towel-dried her hair and doused herself with lotion.

She turned on the bedside lamp and crawled under her covers. It had been over a month since she’d looked at any videos, and tonight, she felt brave enough to do so. Devorah lowered the volume and opened the app.

Devorah watched five videos before her anxiety spiked. She closed the app, not wanting to come across anything having to do with her humiliation, Chad’s affair, or even a glimpse of what Ester was up to. Devy wanted to move on and get past everything, but that didn’t mean she had to watch it play out on her phone.

She set her phone down on the charger and reached for the light switch. Her hand stilled when she heard a loud thump and then something crash into the floor downstairs. Quietly, she got out of bed, tiptoed across the floor, and opened her door a smidge. She listened for footsteps.

Nothing.

Opening the door farther, she walked as deftly as possible, avoiding the squeaky floorboards. She and Colt had long learned which boards would alert Crow downstairs. At the top of the stairs, she peered down and saw the hall light was on.

Had she left it on?

The house was silent except for the ticking grandfather clock in the living room. Devy descended the stairs, against her better judgment.

“Dad?” she called out when she came to the second-to-last stair, figuring if she needed to retreat, she could. She heard nothing.

“Crow?” she yelled louder. If he had left, wouldn’t he have said something or at least texted her?

Devy finally took the last two steps and turned toward the kitchen. Cordelia ran past her and started barking wildly. She saw his foot and part of his leg sticking out from behind the counter, a place it shouldn’t be. Rushing into the kitchen, she dropped to her knees and shook her father.

“Crow?” She then said his name louder and continued jostling his shoulders. “Oh God. Daddy, wake up. Please don’t do this to me.”

Devorah held her ear to his heart and heard nothing. She felt for a pulse, and again, nothing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and onto her father, who lay still.

She ran to the phone and fumbled with the handle. Her fingers shook as she pressed 911. She went back to her dad and knelt beside him.

“Emergency services, what’s your emergency?”

“I need help. It’s my dad. I think he had a heart attack.”

“Have you started chest compressions?”

“No, but I am now.” She cradled the phone between her ear and shoulder and pushed on his chest, the way she’d learned from a cardiopulmonary resuscitation class she had taken years ago. She, like many, thought she’d never use CPR again and had never gone back to recertify.

The operator asked other questions and assured Devorah that an ambulance was on the way. When she saw the lights pull into the driveway, she dropped the phone and ran to the door.

“He’s in the kitchen, straight ahead.”

From there, she stood and watched men rip open her father’s shirt, then push and press things to his chest. Tears continued to stream as the men pressed paddles to his chest, let them recharge, and then did it again. And again.

And again.

Maren came down the stairs, and before she could see what the medics were doing to her grandfather, Devorah wrapped her daughter in her arms and held her head against her shoulder.

“You don’t want to see this,” she whispered. “Just let me hold you.”

Maren cried. She may have been nine, but she knew.

Behind them, Cordelia whimpered. She’d started off as Colt’s dog, but she’d quickly turned into Crow’s.

“Ma’am,” a medic said as he came to her. “We’re sorry . . .” Devorah heard nothing after those words. She’d lost her father, a man she’d had a troubled relationship with until recently. Things were better between them, more loving, nurturing. Crow had been happy she and Maren were there, and he’d wanted them to stay.

Devorah continued to hold Maren in her arms as they wheeled Crow out of the house, a white sheet covering his body. The medic left the front door open, and so did Devy. She didn’t move or get up to close it until the lights had disappeared.

Now what was she going to do?

“Mommy?” Maren’s voice was soft, scared.

“Yeah?”

“Is Grandpa going to be okay?”

More tears streamed down her cheeks, and she choked on a sob. She shook her head and somehow found her voice enough to tell her daughter, “No.”

Footsteps thundered on the porch steps, and Colt shot through the open door. “What happened?”

Devorah looked at her brother, and she could tell by the way his face dropped that he knew. She wouldn’t have to say the words. She wasn’t sure she even could.

Colt leaned against the wall and slid down, his own tears coming in hot streams.

It wasn’t only Colt, Devorah, and Maren who’d lost someone at that moment; their entire community had.

Devorah finally asked Maren to go upstairs. She didn’t have to go back to sleep, but Devy and Colt had to talk and take care of adult things. Things a nine-year-old didn’t need to hear about or be a part of.

When she heard the bedroom door shut upstairs, Devorah recounted the noise she’d heard and how she’d crept downstairs. “If I wasn’t afraid, maybe I would’ve gotten to him sooner.”

“Don’t you even blame yourself, Dev. He didn’t exactly take care of himself.”

She nodded, but the guilt was there, building with no end in sight. Just when she thought she’d found her footing, her father had to die on her.

Now what?

Devorah brought her knees to her chest and sobbed. Despite their strained relationship, he’d been a rock for her the past few weeks, reminding her to put herself first and to grasp all the happiness coming her way.

Colt moved next to his sister and wrapped her in his arms. “It’s going to be okay,” he said to her, but she didn’t believe him. She didn’t know how.

Crow hadn’t been gone an hour before the news spread, and people began showing up. One by one, the Crafty Cathys entered the house on Main Street and took over while Colt, Dev, and Maren mourned.

When Hayden walked in, he found Devorah on the couch, with her knees tucked under her. She was exhausted, and her eyes burned from crying. He sat down next to her and said nothing. He didn’t have to, because everyone else in the house had said it already.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”